Before the Worst
by solice-in-silence
Summary: With the Omega-4 relay looming, Joker and Shepard have one last conversation.


"You never told me about Horizon".

Shepard considered. The point Joker made was excellent. She never had discussed it. In contrast to most missions, where she visited Joker to fill him in before she spoke to anyone, even the Illusive Man, when she'd boarded the ship after Horizon…she'd stormed past. Her debrief to her 'boss' as Miranda always called him (and she wished that Officer Lawson wouldn't word it that way, the idea she worked for Cerberus or the Illusive Man still made Shepard feel twitchy and dirty, like she needed a hot shower) had been as curt as she could manage and then she'd retreated to her quarters, sending orders through EDI while she hid and waited for her festering anger to simmer and fade.

"Didn't you ask Garrus?" the Commander questioned him, stalling for time. Without Kaidan, without Ashley, without Anderson and the Alliance, the Turian had rapidly become her second in command. In terms of rank, Miranda might class higher, but it was Garrus that Shepard turned to for an opinion. She needed someone she could trust, and on a Cerberus ship, those people had been few and far between at the beginning of the mission.

Garrus had been on the ground of Horizon with her, Jacob had been the third member of the team, and when Kaidan and Shepard began to talk the Turian had gently lead Mr Taylor aside so that he wouldn't overhear. But Shepard knew Garrus had a good idea of what had occurred, and she had assumed he had shared the story with her helmsman.

"Garrus wouldn't tell me a thing. Said he valued his life too highly" Joker offered, trying to joke, and yet she could hear the emotion underneath – and realised that it bothered him. Turning her head to met his green eyed gaze for a moment before shrugging.

"We killed a bunch of Collectors, lost too many Colonists, and Kaidan showed up" she said, knowing that he wouldn't allow her to be that glib and yet she couldn't just jump in and recount that encounter. So much had happened since that day, but emotional wounds were hard to heal and it still made her throat close up to think about it.

"Gee, thanks for that. C'mon, Shepard – don't you owe me a little more than that?"

"_I heard the rumour Shepard, I wanted to believe you were alive – but working with Cerberus?"_

"_Kaidan, you know me, I wouldn't do this if it wasn't for the right reasons!"_

"_So you say. I don't even know who you are anymore; the woman I knew would never have colluded with terrorists"._

"_You've seen what happened here, this isn't Geth, this is so much more serious Kaidan and I'm working with the only people that are fighting this threat instead of hiding their heads in the sand"_

"_Did it even occur to you to get in contact with me?"_

"_What – Kaidan…I tried! Anderson stonewalled me, nobody would tell me where you were, said it was classified-"_

"_That wouldn't have stopped you before"_

"_Why are you mad at me – for working alongside Cerberus or for not calling?"_

"_Didn't the night before Ilos mean anything to you?"_

"_Everything-"_

"_No. I don't want to hear it now, I can't trust you, not now"._

"What do you want to hear, Joker? That Kaidan tore me out, for betraying the Alliance, for working with Cerberus, that he wouldn't allow me to explain and he walked away from me with a look in his eyes like I'd knifed him in the back and he had no idea who I was". Perhaps she intended to start her comment as a joke, but the raw hurt showed, and there was visceral anger in there as well because how dare he judge her and how dare he condemn her, how dare he not even listen and focus on all the wrong issues and blame her when she was doing what she had always done, namely, what she believed was the right thing regardless of whether anyone was listening.

"Do you miss him?"

And looking at her pilot she sighed, knowing that despite her own irritation Joker was – for once – not trying to push her buttons. With death just around the corner, everyone wanted to hear the truth, Shepard had never been in a position quite as dicey as this one but she knew the feeling well, that urge to spill your guts just in case the enemy did it for you and your secrets died with you.

"Kaidan is my past. You're my present Joker" she pointed out softly, one hand lifting and she caressed his cheek with a tenderness that many wouldn't have believed her capable of.

"Do you…regret that?"

Hearing insecurity in his voice was such an odd experience and she leant forward to close the gap between their lips, her next words murmured directly into his mouth.

"No. Never". Pulling back she met his gaze steadily as she spoke. "You were there for me when nobody else was, you've never doubted me, your confidence in me gives me strength every day Jeff" she confessed softly. "And if it all goes FUBAR tomorrow there is nobody I would rather spend my last night with". A grin crossed her face as she cracked the joke they would also return to, the armour she hid behind in all her more vulnerable moments. "I died for you once Joker, do I have to do it again to prove how I feel?"

The pilot rolled his eyes expressively as he pulled away, pushing himself awkwardly into a sitting position and reaching for his boots.

"Never gonna let me live that down, are you woman?" he said as he stood up, but the look he shot her told her far more than his words.

"I'm just grateful you turned out to have a corpse fetish".

"Yeah, but I draw the line at necrophilia. You come out the Collectors ship like one of those Husks I'm going after Tali. Zombies aren't my style" he said, watching Shepard get to her feet and stretch her arms above her head, taking an unconscious inventory of her body in light of the battle ahead.

"It might work out better. I'd be all squishy. Less chance of shattering your hip bones" she quipped back.

"No, seriously – don't change Shepard".

As romance went, Joker might not be good at poetry or deep revelations from his soul, but tonight, it was enough.


End file.
